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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Will Not Cry

I think I will not cry.

If the one that I cherished the most left me, I will not cry. Why should I cry when I know in my heart that I have loved her more than I have loved my own life?

If she tries to hurt me through words and the words became like piercing arrows that cuts deep and even reaches the soul that it hurts too much, I will not cry. Why would I cry when I know in my heart that I haven't let go of the promise I once made to love her unto the very end, even if at the moment everything was dark?

If the girl that I love the most treated me as though I could not be trusted, I will not cry. Why should I cry when I know in my heart that even though I am not perfect, I know I have done my best?

If I have lost the love of my life, I think I will not cry. I will search for her instead. Sleep will not hold me back. The night can't stop me. The dazzling thought and excitement of finding her again fuels my entire being. But she was nowhere to be found. Then I was wrong. I'm a man. I will cry after all.

And may the open fields cry with me. Let the leaves fall to the ground and may the red flowers let their petals fall as if a brushing wind softly damped their cold hands into their tiny stem, shaking the leaves as it passes by.

I call on the sky to cry with me. Let it be full of clouds. Let it be dark as it may. And may my tears be as countless as the raindrops on a thunderstorm. And as the tears flow down my cheeks let it be like the waters flowing on the river up to the surging mighty waves of that great dark ocean.

Yes, I will cry after all. For what is life without you? What is life without the one you love?

I don't have a heart of stone. A heart of  flesh   was  molded   inside  of me.

I will not alter the flow. I will go with the  pain, stay  in  the  rain   and learn. 

I will let the raindrops fall so it can water the old aged earth and cause fresh grass to grow and new flowers  to bloom.A new beginning.

Will I cry or will I not?

When a heart gets broken there are no easy answers anymore.
But Yes, I will cry after all. 


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Heart Matters

 I can't quit now. Or should I?
There are lot of questions at the back of my mind. My mother just died. There's another huge but quite different story behind it. It was back then.. a few months ago..when I suffered from stress and depression. That was the first time I came in contact with this terrible monster. The pain of being left alone by the one who brought me into this world and have given me so much love just added up to my misery. The pain never left me.

I had a job but the stress that I'm feeling keeps me out of focus. It's only a miracle that I didn't only survived but I actually arrived to where I wanted. At that time I always have before me the idea of making happy those people that matters to me. I know I'm doing my best but the one thing that I now realized by experience is that you cannot make everybody happy and will always fall short of some of their expectations. People will always find fault in almost everything that you do. Even those things that you thought you have given your whole heart and strength and mind.

Are there people who can really understand the heart so they will help you not to hurt? 

I don't think there is. Or I can be wrong.

I remember the saying "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure..who can understand it".In my experience, I think it's true.  The moment that you think you can understand your own heart that is the moment that you don't. And at the minute that you say you don't that is the time that you really do. Oh, those paradoxes of life are stunning indeed!

I had tried to have the best intentions in almost all aspects of my daily life even in my present relationships...even on the way I speak and the words I let out of my mouth. I was a leader of a group that train potential leaders to become leaders of different departments designated to various sectors in the community. I was accustomed with deadlines, pressures, criticisms and the like. For almost eleven years of my life I had never experience a sudden burst of outraged. But then it happened, in just a flash, I was never really aware that it was happening.