Heart Matters

 I can't quit now. Or should I?

There are lot of questions at the back of my mind. My mother just died. There's another huge but quite different story behind it. It was back then.. a few months ago..when I suffered from stress and depression. That was the first time I came in contact with this terrible monster. The pain of being left alone by the one who brought me into this world and have given me so much love just added up to my misery. The pain never left me.

I had a job but the stress that I'm feeling keeps me out of focus. It's only a miracle that I didn't only survived but I actually arrived to where I wanted. At that time I always have before me the idea of making happy those people that matters to me. I know I'm doing my best but the one thing that I now realized by experience is that you cannot make everybody happy and will always fall short of some of their expectations. People will always find fault in almost everything that you do. Even those things that you thought you have given your whole heart and strength and mind.

Are there people who can really understand the heart so they will help you not to hurt? 

I don't think there is. Or I can be wrong.

I remember the saying "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure..who can understand it".In my experience, I think it's true.  The moment that you think you can understand your own heart that is the moment that you don't. And at the minute that you say you don't that is the time that you really do. Oh, those paradoxes of life are stunning indeed!

I had tried to have the best intentions in almost all aspects of my daily life even in my present relationships...even on the way I speak and the words I let out of my mouth. I was a leader of a group that train potential leaders to become leaders of different departments designated to various sectors in the community. I was accustomed with deadlines, pressures, criticisms and the like. For almost eleven years of my life I had never experience a sudden burst of outraged. But then it happened, in just a flash, I was never really aware that it was happening.
A time came when I was confronted with my horrible self. What I knew was right were never accepted rather it was considered as though it was nothing and what I had given my best was trampled upon and was not recognize but rather was neglected and criticized. At that precise moment there were thoughts in my heart racing to come out of my mouth. Thoughts of anger.

What a heart! In just a while it has the best of intentions and in the next moment it was raging with anger.

Anger is not the root cause but rather it is self pity. Not being recognized and appreciated by what you think you did right. And it's all inside my heart. Self pity crawls into our being because of a sudden unexpected kind of pressure which leads into stress and stress into depression and depression to self pity. 

An impulsive outburst of emotions will follow such a sad plight.

" I have put all my energies into it! and that is all that you would have to say! I did my best! But it wasn't good 

enough for you! I haven't heard any thank you's at all!"

" I spent time just to talk to you! I did my all to schedule this time for you! I went thru many hassles in the office just to make time for you! But instead of appreciating what I did you keep on demanding more time!"

And it just goes on and on and on...and the cycle of SSD (self-pity, stress, depression) will leave you more depressed and you do not need to wait for too long and you will see that relationships will begin to break and deteriorate. And then it's gone...forever. 

Love and rage has something in common. They both know how to burn. And the heart is capable of both. Would it help if I fuel love more and try to quench the fire of rage? Is it possible to detect and feel the heat of rage before the fire becomes out of range? If it is possible, can I pour icy water on it so it would not cause any damage at all? 

If relationship is more important than winning an argument I think we should try to quench the fire of anger before its fire comes out of the mouth. It's hard to fight a fire breathing dragon. And I don't want to be a fire breathing dragon myself. Nevertheless, we know that sometime in our lives, and we regret those times, we became a member of the fire breathing dragon clan. And oh! how we regret those moments when we opened our mouths to our dearest friends and our words became fire that hurts them deeply. Not knowing that we are hurting ourselves the most.

Sadly, I went through all of these. The pain never left. And I do not intend to let go because by it I was reminded that I am a man and I needed the help of Someone greater. With this realization the pain that didn't left eases a little bit. And it helps me to move on.

What a heart we have!

Is there any cure at all?! Do we have a doctor who specializes with this kind of heart issues?

Oh God help us! Can you please search our hearts and know our thoughts? Can you please do the cleansing and please create a new heart in us!